Believe it or not, one of the hardest things for me to do recently is accept the type of person I have become within the last year. It just hit me, and it hit me hard, that I absolutely cannot believe how much I have transformed. I am far from being happy with myself, and although everyone keeps telling me how “amazing” of a person that I am, I cannot agree with anything that they say.
In the past year, I have noticed that my impulsiveness has increased, my self-destructive behavior has too. Someone who emotionally tortures themselves through thinking too much certainly is not the type of person I want to be. I’ve nearly doubled the amount of alcohol I consume, which in reality, I should not be doing at all. I even admit to intentionally sleep depriving myself and causing myself to have bouts of insomnia from time to time. There are other things too, but it’s nothing worth getting deeper into.
There are so many things I wish I could have back:
- I miss my parents, I miss my boyfriend’s dad. They were the most essential people in my life, the ones who used to guide me in the right direction. They were my inspiration.
- I miss being a dancer, a real dancer. I miss teaching it, being in parades, going to all the recitals. I miss being apart of something. I miss connecting to the music.
- I miss living on the opposite of the country, where the people who used to mean so much to me (and still do) live. I hate being so far away.
